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2005-08-30 - 11:18 a.m. Starting school tomorrow. This is a week late, but it was necessary in order for me to raise the funds for tuition and books. I'd rather pay it all up front than go on the payment plan, and get those threatening "pay or get kicked out of class" notes in the middle of the term. That always scares me, even if I can pay. I've been battling my monster these days. Self-doubt is a scary, ugly, cloven-hooved beast that can stop me from functioning completely. I've decided just to say fuck it and go ahead with this degree, even though it's been impossible to get a job in the industry, and I have no intention of taking something that involves digging ditches or installing irrigation systems. Physically, I'm just getting too old to do that kind of work. Speaking of which, I took quite a tumble yesterday. Between the house and the garage, my birkenstocked foot just went out from under me and I fell down in the alley. My right hip is bruised and my leg, which was still recovering from a sunburn is now scraped to shit. I'm sure to the casual observer I must have looked pretty goddamned funny. But fat people can really fuck themselves up falling on concrete. Ouch. While I am quite a good dancer and have great upper body strength from years of schlepping books, I am still clumsy as hell. I've been spontaneously falling down for years, ever since I was a kid. It's like my body's way of rebelling against me doing what needs to be done, a sit down strike if you will. "No, I'm not going," cries the carcass, "I'll just wait right here". My mom called C. on sunday, under the guise of borrowing some dvds. C. offered to bring some over and my mom ended taking her out to lunch. I was at work, thank god. I'm still having a hard time seeing mom. It's like I just know she will say something and injure my already fragile self esteem. She always, and I mean always, does. She criticizes my teeth, my clothing, the size of my ass. And always with the qualifier "I'm worried about you". Jesus. So now she's trying to get to me through C., who said she was asking a lot of questions about me. I feel bad not seeing her, but it's just been too fucking painful for me. I don't want to spend time with people who make me feel bad about myself, even if it is my own mother. I guess I'm grateful that she likes C so much and feels comfortable hanging out with her, but it does make me vaguely uncomfortable. I don't want to give the family issues any energy; work is a disaster, school is in session, and now I have a MG class on Tuesday nights like 50 fucking miles away from home. I've got a huge pile of shit to do around the house that I keep putting off. I just don't want to do the family work right now...even though I may have to. Goddamn it. Life is a life's work. And sometimes, I feel like it's kicking my ass.
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